A Life In A Day
Diary
One word of caution on the diaries. They are triggering. So if you are not safe, then do not read. Please. It is the only thing I ask of you. Be safe. My intent with these diaries, which I hope will be written daily and posted weekly, is this. I know too many people that have the same thoughts and feelings I do. Maybe, just maybe, we can help each other out.
May 5, 2001
Not only do I feel like a complete failure as a human being, but I feel as though it is my own fault. The double edged-sword that has tried to kill me my whole life.
I have spent the last four days trying to manage my urges to cut. I can no longer control it. My mind is blank. I can't write a poem, I can't paint. Nothing. My creative drive has been depleted. But even worse, I have cut again. I held out as long as I possibly could have. I can't deal with this anymore. Too many times I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Be left alone to whither away in my own self-pity. It would make everyone around me happier.
And now I have cut yet again. It just goes to show me that I am a weak individual. Everyone keeps telling me how proud they are of me that I am so strong. But unless I can be proud of myself, then it means nothing.
So, at 12:45 pm today, I cut. And I cut. And I cut again. And what's worse is I keep wanting to do it more. Over and over again until I have nothing left of myself that is recognisable. but I know I won't. Quitting is not an option right now in my life. As much as I want to, I won't.